The Importance of Teaching Self-Worth: A Cautionary Recounting

“It never occurred to anyone to explain self worth or preservation to me and everything I read or saw seemed to enforce that I was correct, selflessness was a virtue”.

I’m sitting across my kitchen table from another emotionally problematic ex, He’s disappointed me for the 5th? time and now he’s reaching across the table, taking my hand and telling me not to worry, that one day I’ll love myself as much as he loves me. I have loved myself like that, in fact, I’ve loved myself worse.

I’ve been in couples counseling with myself since I was an angsty16-year-old, slowly untangling the knot of my particular blend of nature vs nurture.

I grew up a lower middle class in the sticks of western MA, the oldest daughter of two overworked parents who had their own set of emotional baggage.

looking back at my childhood there’s a pretty long career of failed attempts at relationships with others. I thought to be “a good person” was to offer myself at other people in exchange for their approval. I would be overly giving at my own expense. I didn’t think I had any value outside of what I could do provide. Everything I read or saw as a child seemed to enforce that I was correct, selflessness was a virtue. When crying to my mother she would explain that others simply didn’t understand me. As though there was some special otherness to the way I was rather than seeing a fault in my behavior. So I continued to chase approval this way and was often met with harshness, abuse or opportunism. I would be a loyal friend even if those friends did nothing to deserve or ask for my loyalty.

As I got older this way of thinking bled from my friendships into romantic relationships. Putting me in situations I wasn’t prepared to navigate. I didn’t know what my worth was or that I needed to protect myself or my interests from other people. At this point, I had fully developed the ability to completely disassociate from whatever trauma bullying or bad situation I was going through. That was my protection, to not be present for the difficult moments. I’d go somewhere out of my body and watch, detached, sometimes I’d watch myself participate. That’s how I lost my virginity to an insecure, aggressive 16-year-old boy. I floated somewhere in the rainbow reflections of the free AOL CD’s on my ceiling wondering how many free hours I had accumulated up there. Paying attention only to the hum of my dad’s lawnmower. It only occurred to me much later that I didn’t want to be there. But in my mind their needs and desires had become louder than mine, their entitlement more important. I found myself stunted, never having learned to hear my own voice.

Leading into an adulthood filled with one-sided friendships, thankless work situations, self-harm, and abusive relationships. It escalated in college when instead of focussing on building my portfolio, I spent the last two years being verbally abused and isolated by an insecure man ten years my senior. He saw my vulnerability from across the internet and manipulated himself into my life. It was a common story, he’d put me down constantly, which only fueled my internal negative voice, yes, I was ‘worthless’ I couldn’t blame him, I treated myself just as badly. The abuse and isolation got worse, I found myself doing whatever he asked just to make him stop. Fortunately, he moved away after two years but at that point, I was deep in and it took another year for me to finally cut ties. I had reached a breaking point and even then it was so hard for me to walk away. But I moved on as though nothing serious had happened, I didn’t think of myself as abused, I didn’t want to, it was over. But it’s not that easy, years later a close friend would use those same methods of abuse to sexually assault me. It devastated me, I felt like I had betrayed myself by letting someone do that to me again. But I didn’t know how else to handle the situation, I had just done what I always did, I disappeared.

Not all of my relationships were bad there were good friends and relatively short normal relationships mixed in. I just didn’t know how to differentiate. I didn’t know how to protect myself because I didn’t think I was worth protecting. For those who were close to me, I would depend on them to distract me and provide me with the acceptance I wasn’t giving myself. I understand now how exhausting it can be to care about someone like that. I became addicted to that validation and terrified of being alone long enough to let the past catch up with me.

The past will always come for you. For me, it took one big traumatic event to crack the dam keeping it all in. I found myself pulled down into an overwhelming reality. The problems felt so big, I was consumed. How to address the new trauma, the old trauma to even begin to unlearn years of behavior and re-introduce the idea of self-worth, more importantly, how to care about myself enough to want to.

I’ll say now that I’m fortunate to be able to see a therapist regularly and through many hours of therapy (and proper medication) I was able to begin to work on it. Going back to all the moments I had chased the approval of others as a kid. Counting back the minutes I had lost disassociating, the years I had spent putting other peoples needs and wants above my own. Discovering boundaries I didn’t know how to set for myself. I was reliving each trauma, remembering the relationships that ended up hurting me. I examined my part in every scenario, sorting out what was my responsibility and what wasn’t. Seeing the line between abused and abuser becoming troublingly thin at times as I began to recognize the strain my lack of self-worth put on my relationships. It’s was so hard I felt raw and angry, everything was too bright, too sharp, it hurt to touch or to look, to be touched or looked at. But I knew the only way out was by feeling my way through the mess I had left myself. but I’m no good at feeling.

So here I am, there are days when the issues and trauma still feel insurmountable. Things that I thought were no big deal before suddenly trigger emotional responses I’m not prepared for. Some days I’m so angry and anxious all I can do is cry, maybe some of you can relate? It’s hard work to look at myself, to take responsibility for my part and set boundaries where I need to. Then there are those moments of such clarity, where I see myself evolving, and learning to value my own approval.

It’s a long process, building your self-worth up from the negative. But If you want to be a giving and kind person, a good friend and loving partner, you have to be willing to give that kindness and love to yourself first.

I’m still learning how.